TaleTime “The Wino and Mr Muscle”

Hey Hi my lovelies! My Name is Tanya Hooper and Welcome to my blog! I post here on TanyaTale every Friday at 7pm so if you aren’t already please be sure to subscribe to get notifications when a new post goes live! Also be sure to hit that like button to join our little community and why not leave a comment while your over there introducing your self!

Anyway! Today I’ve decided to share with you another cringey and embarrassing story from my weird yet wonderful life! For anyone who is new TaleTime is a story time segment of the blog but TanyaTale’s TaleTime sounded cooler in my head. And before anyone takes to the comments to tell me that I wrote a TaleTime two weeks ago – i know. It’s just I’m writing this on the day it goes live and I haven’t prepared a short story for you all yet and i figured enough crazy stuff has happened in my life for me to have an infinite amount of stories swimming around my mind.

Before we start just a warning that this turned out to be a VERY long story. it is kind of two stories in one so i marked the best point to take a break by inserting *** because i’m just that lovely haha. Anyway enjoy the story.

I thought I’d start you off with a little bit of context – it was a Friday night in a university town around Christmas time. What this means is: it was a busy night and it was cold. That’s pretty much all the context you need.

So it was my friend’s birthday and we were throwing a little party. Now, when i say party it started at 10 and finished at 11:30 when we were heading to town. This was because – long story short – we live in a flat and have moody downstairs neighbours who complain about EVERYTHING. This meant we had to be silent by 11:30 or else they’d call security. The party was therefore more of a “pre-drinks” situation than a full blown house party.

Anyway, our flat isn’t massive and we only have one communal room meaning it’s ideally comfortable for around 12 people. However, on this day there were more than double that amount of people. On top of the flat being too small, it was also the first party we had thrown and there were strangers deciding to invite themselves.

This isn’t the story by the way, this is just me explaining why I was in the mind-set I was in that night.

Anyway. One girl who I did not know shows up MEGA drunk. I mean, most people are drunk and that’s fine – it would be hypocritical for me to judge drunk people – but this one girl was SUPER drunk and didn’t know any of us.

So she was falling all over the place with a bottle of cheap wine and chilling alone since she knew NO ONE, when i see it. I watch her tip half the bottle of wine onto our floor. At this point I was raging. Who does that – like who throws their wine on the floor of a strangers flat?!

If i wasn’t sober before I was now because this wino had just made me hyper sensitive to every little thing happening around me. In my sober state I chose not to freak out and instead I mopped the RED WINE off of our LIGHT GREY FLOOR. But within seconds of me cleaning up her first spill I watch her throw a glass of vodka over our counter and over my flatmates phone. I MEAN… COME ON.

So I go from cleaning up her first spill to cleaning up her second. While I’m drying my friends phone she starts apologising and starts tearing up. Now quick disclaimer – I do not like being touched (sober anyways). So when this girl starts getting emotional it wasn’t out of character for me to walk away.

This STILL isn’t the story.

It gets to 11:30pm and my flat and I have booked taxi’s to take us, and everyone we knew was coming, to the club. So after clearing the flat we head down to the taxi pick up point and we wait and wait. After fifteen minutes of waiting with four very drunk flatmates, I called the taxi company who informed us “we’ve already made that pick up.”

Can you guess who had taken our Taxi? Come on, I’ll give you one guess. Yup, uhu, it was Wino girl.

Understandably by the time we got to the club I was not in a great mood. I was sober. I was irritated. I was needing to chill. So I did a shot. But was still sober. So I decided to dance.

When this girl, out of no where, starts grinding on me. Now –  I’ve already said I don’t like being touched, so it goes without saying I do not like dancing with strangers let alone being grinded on. Thank god my friend noticed how uncomfortable I was and rescued me – what a gem!


And THIS is where the story begins.

side bar – it was a themed party because all our parties are! So this was a crazy hat party and I was in a massive sombrero – that irrelevant now but later it’ll make sense.

After ten minutes of bored dancing I look up and make eye contact with this guy who gestures to ask if I wanted a drink. The answer was yes. I REALLY wanted a drink. So we head to the bar and have some general bar chat. He started telling me that he was an ex-student of the university I go to and that he was there with some of his old sport team buddies but now he had this new job. This was the first point I should have realised that he was very much in love with his own appearance.

Now, in my opinion, he wasn’t the best looking lad ever. He wasn’t even the best looking lad I’d seen that night. He was VERY muscular however and so whenever my friends talk about this night he is referred to as Mr Muscle.

So Mr Muscle and I were just having a casual chat when his friend comes over and tells him that he is going home. The guys say goodbye and his friend leaves. Seconds later Mr Muscle starts telling me that he hadn’t seen this guy in over a year and this weekend was all about catching up. So I told him he should probably not ditch his mate for some girl and should probably head off too …

But Mr. Muscle said no.

He spewed some story about his mate telling him to stay out because he was tiered earlier and so it had been planned that he would stay. If I’m being honest I didn’t believe him but I wasn’t going to call him out on it.  Now at this point i had finished my drink and wanted to get back to dancing with my friends, but he had just ditched his mate and I felt obliged to continue chatting.

Eventually however, I told him that I was going to go and get some air. Did I say this to ditch him, yes. I didn’t want to be rude so I just thought that way it wouldn’t be awkward. But did he get the message … no.

Instead he said he’d go get some air too. So we were both stood outside the club entrance while some girl is sick a matter of metres away. Which is when he started talking at me. Not to me, at me. He told me his whole life story which i really didn’t want to hear. He started telling me  about his appearance and then i tuned out. I considered how to make my exit but my mind was blank.

A few minutes later he asks to go for a walk. Sorry, am I a dog? I text my flatmates to find out where they were so I could go and find them but they had all been taken home drunk. So, I started texting the people who had been at the party so i could go find them. But he was stood there and I figured going on a walk was going to be better than just standing there being talked at.

Now this is where it is important to note that it was a Friday night, everyone was out. It wasn’t quiet and there were loads of people about so at no point did I feel uncomfortable or threatened. So we start walking but that doesn’t stop him talking. After about five minutes I was freezing. It was December and I was wearing a playsuit, with no sleeves. And we were walking along a sea front.

So I mention that I’m cold and might head back and rather than being like “alright.” He puts his arm fully around me. Now I might have mentioned this a few times already but I DONT LIKE PEOPLE IN MY BUBBLE. It was also very windy so he offered, very kindly, to hold my sombrero.

A few minutes later and I had enough. My friend had told me where he was and I was going to meet up with him and his flat. So I tell the guy that I need to find my friends. To which he takes to mean … you should kiss me.

That isn’t what it means.

So I was awkwardly stood there in the street as this guy attacks my face with his lips. I pulled away and I told him I was going back to find my friends but he INSISTS on carrying my sombrero back to the club and so wouldn’t give it back to me.

This is the part i realise I was drunk because my mind didn’t once think “just abandon the sombrero” instead I walked back to the club with him where he gave me back my sombrero.

Once inside i went and found my friends and was sat with them and dancing with them but this whole time he was stood, hovering awkwardly like a metre away and he wouldn’t go away. So at this point I told my friends basically to just keep me away from him. A few minutes later and the guy comes over to me and askes if “he stands a chance with me tonight.” to which I bluntly respond “no. you do not.” to which he replies “then I’ll try harder.”

I’m sorry. Do we speak different languages? does NO not mean go away?

So the guy keeps hovering and eventually I just say to my friend “dance with me for a minute and then walk me away so he leaves me alone.” So the plan takes place but rather than letting it go Mr. Muscle makes a last ditch attempt.

“I can give you a tour of the fish and chip shop if you want. I know the owner.”

I wonder if this line has ever worked on anyone ever because, in my opinion, there is nothing sexy about fish and chips. And EVEN less so, anything sexy about a chippy. Needless to say I did not go on said tour with this man and rather my friends and I left the club and went home.

So there you have it – probably the longest taletime I’ve ever written but i felt like the context was needed to make the story make more sense. I hope you enjoyed this and please do let me know in the comments if you have ever tried this line and if it worked because i’m interested. Until next time make sure you’ve liked and subscribed and I will see you later!

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